The “Self-Reliance” Trap: Why It’s So Hard to Ask for Help

Why this matters: Young adults report high rates of anxiety and depression yet have low rates of help-seeking. Many people suffer in silence because they misunderstand the psychology of asking for help.

There’s a specific kind of loneliness that doesn’t come from having no one. It comes from believing you shouldn’t need anyone.

Many young adults are struggling more than ever—and getting support less than ever. The mismatch isn’t because help doesn’t exist. It’s because asking for it feels like failing.

Introduction: the mental health paradox

Many universities report a painful pattern: young adults report high rates of anxiety, depression, and suicidality, yet a large number never use the help that exists. For many people, service use drops right as independence begins.

So why does help-seeking plummet exactly when life gets more complex?

TL;DR: Many people avoid therapy and support because they value “handling it alone.” That self-reliance can become a trap that worsens outcomes. We also underestimate how willing others are to help—and helpers often feel good when asked.

• Key takeaway 1: Preference for self-reliance is a primary barrier to seeking mental health care.
• Key takeaway 2: We underestimate others’ willingness to help; helpers often feel positive when asked.
• Key takeaway 3: Treatment utilization can drop sharply after age 18, leaving emerging adults vulnerable.

The “I can handle it” fallacy

Research on barriers to help-seeking often finds a consistent theme: self-reliance. “I wanted to handle the problem on my own” sounds responsible—until it becomes a rule you can’t break.

Self-reliance is culturally celebrated as a marker of adulthood. But mental health isn’t a solo sport. When “I can handle it” becomes a reflex, it can block early support and turn manageable distress into prolonged suffering.

People often describe therapy as “depending on someone else,” and interpret that dependence as weakness. The result is delay: waiting until symptoms are severe enough to justify asking—when early help would have been easier.

The macho norm and self-stigma

For many men, cultural norms intensify the trap. A persistent “macho” script teaches boys to be stoic and invulnerable. That script can evolve into a cycle:

1. Public stigma: vulnerability is treated as failure.

2. Self-stigma: people internalize shame about their own distress.

3. Silence: they hide struggles to protect identity and reputation.

Even for people who reject traditional gender norms, fear of judgment can still shape behavior. Many worry they’ll be seen as “attention seeking,” “lazy,” or “dramatic” for naming symptoms. That fear is powerful—and it’s also often inaccurate.

We underestimate the willingness of others

Beyond professional help, many people struggle to ask friends for support. Social psychology suggests a common bias: we underestimate how willing others are to help. We assume our request will be an inconvenience or burden.

But many studies find that helpers often feel good—useful, connected, even proud—when they can support someone. Asking for help doesn’t just give you support; it also gives another person a chance to show up and deepen the relationship.

Conclusion

The self-reliance trap turns a positive trait (independence) into a risk factor. Whether the barrier is stigma, identity, or the fear of burdening others, the refusal to ask for help can quietly intensify the quarter-life crisis.

Asking for support isn’t a failure of adulthood. It’s a skill of it.

Sources

• Pfeiffer, S., & In-Albon, T. (2022). Barriers to Seeking Psychotherapy for Mental Health Problems in Adolescents: A mixed method study. Journal of Child and Family Studies.
• Landa-Blanco, M., et al. (2025). Seeking support or avoiding it? A qualitative study of professional psychological help perceptions among university students in Honduras. Frontiers in Psychology.
• Black, S. R., et al. (2018). Factors Influencing Emerging Adults’ Use of Outpatient Mental Health Services. Evidence-Based Practice in Child and Adolescent Mental Health.
• Broglia, E., Millings, A., & Barkham, M. (2021). Student mental health profiles and barriers to help seeking: When and why students seek help for a mental health concern. Counselling and Psychotherapy Research.
• Healthy Minds Network. (2024). HMS National Report.
• Hellström, L., & Beckman, L. (2021). Life Challenges and Barriers to Help Seeking: Adolescents’ and Young Adults’ Voices of Mental Health. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health.
• Mehra, K., et al. (2021). Youth Perspectives on Seeking Psychotherapy: A Concurrent Mixed Methods Study. Canadian Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.
• Zhao, X. (2022). Asking for help is hard, but people want to help more than we realize. Stanford Report.